What Do You See Outside YOUR Open Window Today?

What Do You See Outside YOUR Open Window Today?
Remember: "When God closes a door, He always opens a window!" You never know what might be out there waiting for you!

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Conversations With God

Today has been a day that I hoped would never come. This morning our son, who has been battling cancer for four years, received the news from his doctor that we prayed he would never have to hear.  After several days in the hospital, and four years of fighting with every treatment plan available for this particular rare disease, (DSRCT) the oncologist told my son that they have done everything possible for him.  There is no other reasonable treatment option left that they could recommend.  And with that being said, he told him that under the present circumstances he could only expect to live another three or four months at the most.

So I've been having some "conversations with God" today.  Not just prayers, although there have been plenty of them going up.  No, these are conversations, only perhaps more like monologues, since I haven't heard God's response audibly.  That doesn't mean He isn't listening or responding.  I know He is doing both. His response is in subtle ways within my heart and soul. I know He hears me, and I know He cares.  But I'm still asking the questions and telling God what's on my heart.

I've been reminding God all day about all the ways He has already rescued our son from serious illnesses and accidents. Click Here for those stories.

I've even had the audacity to ask Him just what does He expect to accomplish by allowing our son to die at the age of 41, when he has a wife and a 14 year old son to raise?
 I want to know how God will be glorified through the death of our son.  With all due respect to God, I am the mother of this wonderful son, and I think I deserve an answer.

Even David the King had feelings like this:

I cried out to You, O Lord;
and to the Lord I made supplication:
"What profit is there in my blood,
When I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise You?
Will it declare Your truth?
Hear, O Lord, and have mercy on me;
Lord, be my helper!"
(Psalm 30:8-10)

I'm not complaining or demanding...just asking.  I'm not angry with God...but I want to understand His plan. I feel a little bit like Mary, the mother of Jesus...pondering all these things in my heart. (Luke 2:19)  Not that I am comparing my son to Jesus, but I'm comparing myself to Mary, a mother, who loved her Son, and didn't fully comprehend all the things that happened to Him.

Click here for previous post from last fall on this topic

Is it wrong to question God? I don't believe so.  I think He understands.  I KNOW He understands.

"The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
And His ears are open to their cry."
Psalm 34:15

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears,
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to those who
have a broken heart,
and saves such as have a 
contrite spirit."
Psalm 34:17-18

"Sing praise to the Lord,
you saints of His,
and give thanks at the
remembrance of His holy name.
For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night,
But Joy comes in the morning."
Psalm 30:4-5

I know we have some difficult days ahead of us.  There will be weeping...but I also know that the day will come when we will have joy again.

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God,
I will give thanks to You forever."
Psalm 30:11-12

"But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord;
I say, "You are my God."
My times are in Your hand..."
Psalm 31:14-15a

"Be of good courage,
and He shall strengthen your heart,
All you who hope in the Lord."
Psalm 31:24

"Hear my cry, O God;
Attend to my prayer.
From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I."
Psalm 61:1-2

The conversations are not over, I am certain.  But I have comfort and peace within my heart tonight. 

"God has spoken once,
Twice I have heard this;
That power belongs to God.
Also to You, O Lord, belongs mercy..."
Psalm 62:11-12


  1. My heart breaks for you and your family. I understand the questions, the monologues...the need for answers. Thanks for sharing your deepest thoughts. We're praying for God's love and comfort and even in these darkest moments - for God's divine healing.

    1. Thank you, Connie, for your consistent prayers and kind thoughts. We know that God IS able to bring about healing...but I have had to reconcile my heart to the thought that this time the healing may be the complete healing that only happens when we step inside heaven's gates. I will continue to pray for that miracle until that day, but I will trust God no matter what.

  2. Oh my dear dear friend, I am so sorry! My eyes and heart are full as I read this post. keep asking the questions, you know HIM well enough to be real with and with those around you Pamela. You also know how to grab onto those verses and passages that will be your lifeline in coming days. Please know that my prayers are added to yours and many others I am sure. I love you my friend, Susie

    1. Thank you, Susie. I know that our God understands the intents and thoughts of our hearts. He looks beyond the questions and sees into our souls, and He loves us, Oh! How He loves us. I will continue to storm heaven's doors until I see them opened to either bring healing here, or to provide complete healing in heaven. Either way, Matthew wins. So I will trust in God no matter what.

  3. Praying for you all during this time, that God would enlarge the riches of His grace, love, mercy and peace. Your words, still reveal quiet and trusting confidence. Love you, Pam. No words I can add seem adequate, but just love and prayers.

    1. Your love and prayers mean everything to me. Thank you, Dawn, for your continual support and encouragement. I feel so blessed to have found such friends as you...even out here in "cyberspace"...and yet, our spirits and hearts are intertwined in Christ...Who transcends time and space. So thankful. Thank you.

  4. My dear sweet friend,

    As I sit here reading and typing tears are trickling down over my face. I am so sorry for this news. Please know that I am praying for and with you and your sweet family. What a blessing to have had such precious family times a few weeks ago! What treasures you have in those memories. I'm glad to know that I am not the only one who dares to ask God about things...the Scriptures you shared are so precious. I love you, Pam...and I wish we didn't live so far from one another. Hugs to you.

    1. You are such a precious new friend in the Lord. I am so grateful for you, and I also wish you were not so far away. Someday there will be such a grand reunion in heaven...so many sweet sisters in Christ we have here in "cyberspace". I wish we could hug in person, but I feel the love coming through here. Thank you, and God Bless you my friend.

  5. My heart is breaking at this news, and also my heart soars when glimpsing your strength, your courage, your faith and your sorrow. I am daring to ask God for healing for your son. Love to you.

    1. Please, dare away! I am not giving up hope for his healing until the day we say farewell on this side. I know God is able to work a miracle of healing in him. But whatever we ask, we ask it in God's will. He knows best and can see what we can't see beyond this fragile thread we call life.
      Thank you for your prayers. God is listening even now.

  6. Like the rest of those who love you and your son, there are tears in my eyes as I write this. The pain in your heart, the pain in his body, the pain ahead. And the questions. Ah, those questions asked in your calm, faithful voice: there is just so much. So I pray for His strength and His still, small voice to answer you, His peace to descend like a dove, and His hands to hold all of you. I continue to pray.

    1. I know there will always be some questions that I will not understand the answer until I get to heaven myself. This is where faith comes in to carry us forward to that day. My faith is in the goodness and love of the Lord. Even though I may not understand or even agree with His plan, I will trust Him that it is good. Regardless. Thank you for your prayers and love. That means so much to me. I love all my "sisters" across the continent in every direction. What a great big wonderful family we have!

  7. I just found this (Thursday). I too have tears on my face. I am so sorry for all of you.

    I called our Pastoral assistant,also a friend. A lady in our chrch is a social worker. She leads grief workshop. Pastoral assistant said she would pass this entry. I ask your permission to send these entries to her.

    1. Oh, Certainly, please! Yes, Matthew (and the rest of us) need all the prayers we can get, so yes, please do. Right now we are in a "figure out what to do next" mode, not ready to lay down and quit, but realizing that God may have a different plan than what we'd hoped for. I will continue to pray for healing and miraculous intervention, but I also accept God's will either way. I know He holds my son in His hands and The God of the Universe will do what is right. I cannot ask for anything more than that. Your comforting words and thoughts do mean a lot to me. Thank you, my friend.

  8. Praying for you & your family Pamela. Love, Sherry


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