In my perusal of old notebooks and journals, I came across a copy of a letter that I wrote to a young woman who was about to become a pastor's wife. She was already married to her husband...and he was about to become a pastor for the first time. They were members of the church in which my husband was the pastor, and thus I was "the pastor's wife". So I felt somewhat qualified to share these thoughts with her as they prepared to begin this new adventure. Look over my shoulder and read what I wrote way back in March of 1990:
Dear Julie,
This is just a personal note from me to you as you prepare to begin this exciting journey into "ministry". It appears inevitable that you will someday soon join the ranks of those privileged women known as "Pastor's Wives". It is truly a privilege and a high calling to be the wife of a man called of God into full time Christian service. However, there are several things you should try to remember:
- First, you are the PASTOR'S wife, not the CHURCH'S wife...your first ministry should be in the home, as a wife, mother, counselor, helpmeet, lover, encourager, and perhaps even exhorter. You will find this aspect of your "calling" to be the most challenging, most rewarding, most exciting, and most fulfilling. If you neglect it for any other "ministry", no matter how important it may seem, not only will you suffer, but your husband and family will suffer also. Always remember you are to be the "helpmeet" for your husband, the Pastor, and not the "helpmeet" for the church. All other areas of ministry must come second to that of being the wife of the Pastor.
- Second, don't let the demands and needs of the ministry rob you of your joy in serving Christ. There will be times when you will feel a real need to get away from the "maddening crowd", and find a place of refuge and retreat. Don't wait too long to set aside that time. Not just for yourself, but for your husband also. Keep your relationship with Christ alive and exciting by spending time alone with Him daily, and then special times set apart for retreat and recuperation.
- Keep your relationship with your husband alive and exciting by spending time alone with him daily, and then special times set apart for retreat and recuperation. Both relationships are equally important, and both relationships need equal time and care. But I warn you, you will have to remind yourself from time to time that this is most important. Your schedules will get so hectic and wild that you will feel like a stranger to Christ...and you will feel like a stranger to your husband. Guard against this, Julie, with all your heart, and plan ahead. Try to always build into your schedules time for rest, recuperation, and recreation. Don't allow the pressures of the masses close in on you. God is able to take care of their needs with or without your help...and He can use your talents and gifts best when you are rested and happy.
"Now to Him Who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us..." (Ephesians 3:20-21)...
Julie, I commit you into His loving, powerful, capable hands. Please keep in touch with us, and know that we are praying for you both daily.
As I re-read this letter written so many years ago...now from the perspective of a "old pastor's wife"whose husband has since retired from active ministry, I find myself saying "Amen" to all that was written. I wish that I had remembered to heed my own words throughout all of our years of service in the church...there were too many times that I let the needs of the church dictate my time and rob me of my energy and strength so that I was not able to be the "helpmeet" that my husband needed most. Looking back, I know that we truly needed to take that time out as a couple to rest, recuperate and "recreate", and we didn't do it. We allowed ourselves to burn out and thus became weary, sad and miserable in our calling. We listened to the wrong voices and did not heed the VOICE of our Lord whispering to our hearts to come apart for awhile and be blessed in His presence. If I had it to do over again, I know I would try harder to listen to what God was telling me to write to "Julie" almost 25 years ago. Things might have turned out differently. Hindsight is always 20-20. Today I am just thankful that we survived and that we still have each other to enjoy...and we still have our love for the Lord. We are just expressing it differently these days. And that's okay too. God understands.
Now, go check out this link and see what others are writing.
Once again you show yourself a woman of wisdom. I especially love your first point about being the pastors wife, not the churches wife! So good! Loved this so much Pam.
ReplyDeleteI thought this might ring a chord with you...You've been there and done that too, so I am sure you could echo and probably add a few thoughts from your own perspective. But through all the stresses and strains and "maddening crowds" I am still thankful that was the road chosen for us. God knew what He was doing even when we didn't.
DeletePam: This is so touching. I have had rather close relationships with some pastor's wives. One chose to work as a team in the church with her husband. Another had three small children to care for and nurture. Another chose to finish her education and then teach elementary school. I have come to realize that the role of a pastor's wife is complex. Thank you for sharing this letter with us.
ReplyDeleteI know that it is different for every woman chosen of God to be a "Pastor's Wife". I can relate to all three you mentioned above. I worked as a team with my husband in complimentary ways to his ministry, I also had 3 small children to care for and nurture, and although I never was able to finish my education and teach, I eventually worked in schools and other positions where I could still have the kind of hours that enabled me to be home with my children when they were home and remain actively involved in our church. There were times that I wanted to run screaming and say "no more!", and then God would gently lead me back into His arms and comfort me and give me strength and encouragement to keep going. Without Him it would have been an impossible task.
DeleteI know a great many pastors' wives who could have used such wisdom when they were beginning and trying to figure out how to manage all the demands. You clarify things so well. Like Susie said, I also LOVE the first bit about being the Pastor's wife, not the Church's wife! BRILLIANT!
ReplyDeleteBy the time I wrote this letter, we had been serving in the pastoral ministry for about 20 years, so I had many years of experience to share. I wish someone had shared these thoughts with me when I first started...it could have saved so many years of frustration and feelings of trying to be all and do all and live up to people's expectations instead of allowing myself to just be who God wanted me to be...the wife of the man who happened to be a pastor. But I must say that God did guide me through it all and gave me the strength to survive. If I had it to do over I would have probably done a lot of the same things, but from the perspective of this is what I believe God is leading me to do instead of from the perspective of this is what I believe the people are expecting me to do.
DeleteGreat advice for the Bride of Christ, whether she's a pastor's wife or any old wife, like me or even a single woman of God...especially liked this line: "God is able to take care of their needs with or without your help...and He can use your talents and gifts best when you are rested and happy." thanks for the encouragement!
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking the time to read and respond to this. I am glad that other daughters of Christ are able to glean truth from this message...as I know many of us think we are supposed to be superwomen of God and all God asks is that we love Him and let Him lead us and work through us His way...just as we are. I wonder if we could have accomplished more with less stress and struggles if we had just allowed God to do the leading and work.
DeleteSo much wisdom here for marriage in general as well as Ministry leaders! Pam your words are refreshing because they come from years of walking with the Lord. I wonder if Julie took your advice...SO thankful for your portion with us.
ReplyDeleteThank you Dawn. I wonder about Julie too. We moved away from that area not long after, and I never heard from them again. One thing I have learned in life is that even though we hear good advice, we strong women are often guilty of still doing it "our way" in spite of the warnings and exhortations. I know I do that still. I am guilty of not heeding the voice in my heart...(God's Holy Spirit)...and instead following the voices in my head that say I have to keep working so hard and that I must meet everyone's expectations or I won't be acceptable in God's eyes. Even after so many years of "experience"...I still fail so often in this regard. I do pray that this message will encourage others to at least allow the Lord to guide them and not to give in to those other voices.
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