Apple Blossom Time...

Good Evening Friends...

These pictures of apple blossoms really don't have anything to do with whatever I may say tonight...but I've been watching them develop throughout the past several days, and it is such a delight to see them breaking open and blossoming so beautifully that I thought I would share them with you.  These are on a little apple tree that we planted a couple of years ago in memory of our son Matthew. (Click HERE For that story)  Now that I think about it and make the connection...Matthew's birthday is coming up in a few days, February 25th...and it appears that this little tree is blossoming in honor and memory of him just in time.  The other apple tree that we planted at the same time is getting ready to bloom as well...but this one is really showing off for the first time since we planted it.  I don't know if we will ever get any apples on these trees, but the blossoms are sure sweet!!

  What a blessing and gift to honor our son for his birthday! Thank You, Lord.

I do have something else on my mind tonight that I've had swirling around all day, and perhaps it is time to just let it out and unburden myself...

When I woke up this morning I was faced with several disturbing messages from different friends in various parts of the country. The first message was from someone who "unfriended" me on Facebook because we had a difference of opinion on a subject.  At first I was a bit angry and frustrated, but the more I thought about it I realized that there was more to this than met the eye. There was a deeper need and hurt there, and instead of overreacting, God led me to pray for this person.  Long story short, my instincts in this were correct...and God is working behind the scenes. The other messages were similar to each other in that they were from friends who have each been suffering from the loss of a spouse for several years, and dealing with the overwhelming process of managing a house and other issues alone is taking its toll on their minds, hearts, and spirit. Again, I am incapable of meeting their needs, but what I can do is pray, and hopefully encourage them to look to the ONE Who can help them.

This morning I had to examine my own heart and seek the Lord's face and wisdom...because I felt inadequate to respond in the way my friends were perhaps hoping or needing at the moment.  I am not prone to depression, and I will admit it is difficult for me to totally relate and understand those who are suffering so deeply. I do understand grief, having lost my son four years ago after his four year battle with cancer, and also after the deaths of both of my parents within five years of each other.  But I've not felt the pain of being so alone. I am blessed to still have my spouse of almost 49 years by my side. I cannot begin to imagine what it would be like to come home to an empty house and an empty bed.  That would be horrible and I don't know how I would react. I pray it will be a long, long time before that happens...and perhaps it never will...I could be the one who goes first. But that is God's business...

The verses that we read in our devotions this morning brought comfort to me in these moments of anxiety and concern for my friends...and I pray they will bring comfort to anyone out there in need of solace at this moment:

Psalm 34:4-7

4.  "I sought the Lord, and He heard me,

and delivered me from all my fears.

5.  They looked to Him and were radiant,

and their faces where not ashamed.

6.  This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him,

and saved him out of all his troubles.

7.  The angel of the Lord encamps all around 

those who fear Him, and delivers them."

Isaiah 55:10-11

10.  "For as the rain comes down, 

and the snow from heaven,

and do not return there,

but water the earth,

and make it bring forth and bud,

that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater.

11.  So shall My word be that goes forth

from My mouth;

It shall not return to Me void,

but it shall accomplish what I please,

and it shall prosper in the thing for which 

I sent it."

After re-reading what I wrote at the beginning of this post, I decided that the apple blossoms do have everything to do with what I had to say to you tonight. I love how God puts these things together, don't you?  I also hope that this post won't be confusing or burdensome to anyone.  It was a kind of therapy for me to work through a lot of feelings that were troubling me today.

The final verses of Isaiah 55 seem to fit here:

"12.  For you shall go out with joy, 

and be led out with peace;

The mountains and the hills shall break forth 

into singing before you,

A wild Redbud Tree is blooming in the neighborhood

and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

And the Dogwood trees are starting to bloom as well...

13.  Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree,

and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree;

and it shall be to the Lord for a name,

for an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off."

Thank you, dear friends, for bearing with me in this post tonight. Thank you also for your prayers for those who are suffering from depression, anxieties and fears. I know there are many who are...perhaps even some of you. May the Lord bring comfort to you tonight and give you the peace that only He can give.

Amen.

A Tree Planted by the Waters

I seem to be having difficulty sitting myself down to write these days. The last couple of days I have been on the verge of allowing myself to dip into a kind of depression...mostly because of the news on the TV this week...so many horrific things happening in our world...so difficult to comprehend how or why people do the things they do.  Depression, mental illness, anger, vengeance, jealousy, unforgiveness...all these attitudes and illnesses, left unchecked, can lead to such horror and terror.

Jeremiah 17:9-10 says:

"The heart is deceitful above all things,

and desperately wicked;

Who can know it?

I, the Lord, search the heart, 

I test the mind,

even to give every man

according to his ways,

according the fruit of his doings."

(Photos taken in April, 2012, on the banks of the Ocklawaha River)

I want to be like this man (woman) in Jeremiah 17:7-8: 

 "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord...and whose hope is the Lord."

  I want to be "like that tree planted by the waters, 

which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit."

Jeremiah goes on to say in verse 12-13:

"A glorious high throne from the beginning is the place of our sanctuary.

O Lord, the hope of Israel,

All who forsake You shall be ashamed."

God Says in response to Jeremiah in verse 13:

"Those who depart from Me shall be written in the earth,

because they have forsaken the Lord,

the fountain of living waters."

Verse 14:

"Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed;

Save me, and I shall be saved,

for YOU ARE my praise."

I love these little exercises in working through feelings of grief, depression, and/or fear.  When we begin to succumb to such feelings, it is always expedient to get into God's Word and find the pathway to praise and thanksgiving.  I know I can't stay down for long when I look UP to heaven. How about you?  Need some encouraging words tonight?  There is no better place to look than right here in God's Word.

"May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble;

May the name of the God of Jacob defend you;

May He send you help from the sanctuary,

and strengthen you out of Zion;

May He remember all your offerings,

and accept your burnt sacrifice.

May He grant you according to your heart's desire,

and fulfill all your purpose.

We will rejoice in your salvation,

and in the Name of our God 

we will set up our banners!

May the Lord fulfill all your petitions.

Now I know that the Lord saves His anointed;

He will answer him from His holy heaven

with the saving strength of His right hand.

Some trust in chariots,

and some in horses;

But we will remember the name of the Lord our God."

Psalm 20:1-7

AMEN!

Random Journal Day-Teach Me Lord, To Wait! UPDATED FROM 5/2/2013

SEE THE UPDATE AT THE END OF THIS POST.   Originally posted on 5/2/2013, updated 5/9/2014 and AGAIN ON 5/9/2015:

Random Journal Day is a day when we pull out our old journals and share something from our past...hopefully something that reminds us of how far we've come in life...where we once were...and if we are able...we can see the way God was preparing us for our future today...at least that's what I've noticed from my former writings.  Sometimes I discover that the dreams I had twenty years ago are actually coming true today...like this one, written on July 1, 1990! 23 years ago? Can that be possible? Wow...

I wrote this during a time when we were serving in a metropolitan church way up north.  I was having a difficult time adjusting to my role as Pastor's Wife in this particular congregation...and also trying to adjust to life in the suburbs of a large city...a place I really did not like much at all. It was a struggle for our complete family the whole time we were there. It seems as though we were all a bit like fish out of water.  Here's what I wrote on that Sunday evening:

"I seem to be having some troubles adjusting here-more than usual.  I find myself wanting to 'withdraw' from people more and more.  I'm lonely for a real friend-but I'm afraid to even try to find one.  I just don't feel accepted or a part of things.  Even though people are very nice to me, it seems so superficial...no one seems to care about me.  I know I shouldn't be so sensitive--I should be the one caring about others.  But I'm having a real struggle in even being around people."  

(NOTE: We had just moved there a few months previous to this writing...and I had left behind a very active women's ministry in which I was a Bible study leader and had many good friends...so this was a big change).

I went on to say:  "I find myself really wanting to retreat-to hide-to withdraw-to insulate myself from the outside world.  This isn't me~I've always been a 'people person'.  But now I'm afraid to reach out-afraid of rejection-afraid of being inadequate-not having anything to say or contribute.  Not having anything in common with anyone-not even my own family. (? Not sure where that came from, but it's how I felt at the time).  I feel so isolated-cut off--out of sinc."

Sounds like I was depressed now that I look back!  I didn't realize that at the time...depression is something for other people...not me! At least that's what I've always thought!  But now, in hindsight, I can see where I probably was depressed and just didn't recognize the symptoms.  It's strange, but this was written just a few months before our middle son, Matthew, was diagnosed with a brain tumor at the age of 18. That started a major time of testing, total dependence on the Lord, and a huge amount of questioning as well. It also started a period of new growth...spiritually. I didn't realize THAT at the time either. Oftentimes we don't comprehend what God is truly doing inside our hearts and minds while we are in the middle of the battle.  We just put on our combat gear and start headlong into the fray. Especially when one of our children is at risk.

That's what I did. I jumped in and started fighting the unseen enemies of fear, anguish, and yes, anger. Anger that my son was suffering and fighting for his own life at the age of 18...right when he was supposed to be enjoying his senior year of high school, preparing for graduation and going off to college in a few months. Doubts assailed me...why was this happening to us? And yet, God, in His mercy, reached down and showed us His mercy and love. He became the Comforter in our time of sorrow and uncertainty. He became my best friend.  And best of all...He became the Healer...miraculously, mysteriously, and wonderfully! Not only did He heal our son, He healed my soul from it's depression.

I wish I could say that everything was wonderful from that day forth...but it wasn't exactly. Not too many months after all of this turmoil we were on the move again...and my journey in search of a place of peace and retreat continued to grow in my heart.  As I look back I realize now that the seeds for where I am today were planted back then.  Little by little we are developing our home into the kind of "retreat" I once dreamed of...but not just for me.  My dream is to share this place with others who need a place of comfort, rest and retreat from the world for a while...so they will be better prepared to face the world again when the time is right.  God does work in mysterious ways.

Isaiah 40:31 is a favorite verse of mine...and probably yours too:

"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like eagles,

They shall run and not be weary,

They shall walk and not faint."

"Teach me Lord, Teach me Lord~ to wait..."

What's YOUR dream today? What are your fears, anxieties?  Turn them over to the Lord...He is ready to carry you through to the next place...He will not let you down. You just may be surprised at the way He chooses to lead you through...but He WILL lead you through. Trust me. I know.

Oh, By the Way:  This is a picture of the Mother's Day Card my son Matthew made for me around the time of this journal entry...I thought this would be a good time to share it with you....it's pretty special to me....

Happy Mother's Day to all!

UPDATE: 5/9/14:  I posted this last year just before Mother's Day.  Some things have changed since then...as most of you know.  My son Matthew, who created this lovely Mother's Day Card, may soon be leaving this earth for his heavenly home, after a lengthy battle with cancer. Makes this card even more a treasure to me than even before, realizing that I may never receive another from him.  But I have so many priceless memories stored in my heart that nothing can take away from me.  Important message here: Mothers and Fathers, be sure to take the time to create special memories with your children while you are able.  Don't waste time pursuing things that cannot ever be more important than the time you spend with your family.  We never know how many days we will have together. Make every day count.

UPDATE 5/9/2015:  I can't believe I wrote this last update exactly one year ago.  In just a couple of weeks from that day, our precious Matthew left this earth for heaven.  Tomorrow, May 10, 2015, will be the very first Mother's Day that I will not hear his voice wishing me a Happy Mother's day.  I will miss that sweetness more than I can imagine right now.  So thankful for the time we had together just prior to his passing away. I will treasure those memories forever.

Random Journal Day ~ Saved from the Abyss by God's Miraculous Intervention

"He shall cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you shall take refuge."  Psalm 91:4

Today's Random Journal entry comes from March 18, 2001, and although it was my youngest son's 24th birthday, that is not entirely what I chose to write about on that particular day. I did begin my journal entry writing about the fact that on that day 24 years ago I had given birth to my last child, and I went on to write that as I celebrated his birth, I was also awaiting surgery "that will forevermore assure me that he is the last baby." So perhaps that underlying thought and anxiety of the impending surgery was adding to my general state of melancholy, along with other difficult circumstances that were causing great distress in my heart and soul and general emotional well-being.  I am not a person who is prone to depression, but anyone, given enough negative pressures and a feeling of being "out of control" can easily succomb to those fears and reach a point of despair that becomes a breaking point.

That is where I found myself on the morning previous to this entry...

"I was having a particularly difficult and emotional time, and I found myself lying curled up in a little ball on my cool, hard kitchen floor, staring at the walls and crying my heart out to God.  I had my eyes fixed on a beautiful colored pencil drawing that my older son had drawn for us the previous Christmas..." (during a particularly difficult time in his life).  "In that picture is an old New England farm house, a barn, snow, and mountains, with a beautiful horse-drawn sleigh driven by two happy people riding into the lane of the farm house.  They looked so cheerful and happy.  I wanted to run and catch up with them and ride with them right into that scenic homestead.  My heart was breaking for several reasons..." (which I won't go into at this time).   Suffice it to say, "our home was under a severe attack of the enemy~ Satan~ for  the previous several months." 

Meadowlark Singing (Internet Picture)

I went on to say, "Only God is going to be able to salvage this situation and turn it around for His honor and glory.  I have prayed for Him to bind Satan in the Name of Jesus, but the attacks keep coming.  Yesterday morning I was truly fearing for my own sanity.  I had reached a breaking point, where I was clearly on the edge~ready to drop into the abyss of never returning.  But as I laid there on that cold hard kitchen floor contemplating my future, I heard a sweet melodic voice of a Meadowlark from the field across the street.(song of the meadowlark link) .  It was the first that I had heard since returning here to our home (we had moved away to serve in a church ministry in another county for the previous year, and had only recently returned to the home we had left behind).  I actually had feared that they had all been driven away by the constant drive of new construction in the surrounding meadows.  But that clear melody came across to me in my benumbed state of sorrow~and I sat straight up to look out the window. 

I could not see the Meadowlark who was so sweetly calling to me, but I looked right into the face of a beautiful little old fashioned rose that had just opened its petals and turned its face to me and 'smiled'~

Old - Fashioned Rose (internet picture)

I say it was smiling at me because all the other roses had turned the other way to face the early morning sun, but this one rose looked straight at me~and I can only say that God brought me back from the edge of the cliff in those two loving acts of nature~the call of the Meadowlark, and the smiling rosebud.  I was able to get up from the place where I had lain sobbing for nearly an hour, and go about my daily routine with renewed hope and encouragement.  Even though my circumstances have not changed~my heart has~I am better able to face the enemy and call on God to bind him~and go on about my life.  I am struggling~but learning to 'let go and let God' be in complete control.  I do not have to fear what man can do to me (or to others I care about) because

'God is my refuge and strength...a very present help in trouble...' (Psalm 46:1)  

'For He will give His angels charge over you (me),

to keep you (me) in all your ways...' (Psalm 91:11)...

and they will protect me and carry me 'lest I (you) dash my foot against a stone.' (Psalm 91:12) 

God is my strong tower, my hiding place...

He has 'covered me with His feathers...

and under His wings I shall trust...' (see Psalm 91:4)  

God is with me wherever I go~I will not fear.

Hallelujah! 

Thank you, Jesus.

`Amen."

Old fashioned rose bush-internet picture

I am thankful to say that God did intervene on my behalf during that critical time...I love how He has so often chosen to use things from His own creation to encourage me and even rescue me during times of deep sorrow and anxiety in my life.  He knows exactly what will reach me and how to comfort my heart when nothing else could do...

Dear friend, if you are struggling to keep your head and heart above the abyss of the attacks of this life, tune in to God's calling from the songs of His heart to you...found in His Word, the Psalms, and in the voice of His songbirds.  Look for His face in the beauty of the flowers and faces of His children surrounding you.  He is not far away...He is always reaching out to you, ready to rescue and save.  Don't give up hope...when you think you have reached the end...His "wings" will open up and carry you and hide you safely away from the enemy.  "His truth shall be your shield and buckler..."  (Psalm 91:4) 

God is the truth you can rely upon when all else has failed.

Postscript added 7-21-12:  I just remembered another verse that goes along with this message so well...I quoted it below in one of my comments, but thought I should add it here as well...

"The Lord your God in your midst,

The Mighty One, will save;

He will rejoice over you with gladness,

He will quiet you with His love,

He will rejoice over you with singing."

Zephaniah 3:17

Aah, Lord God...How beautiful is Your Song that You sing.

Thank you.

Amen.

Be sure to skip over to the Link up for Random Journal Day #17 and see what some of my other blogging friends are sharing from their personal journals today!

Do Not Fear, Little Flock! (Reposted)

After reading an earlier discussion on facebook about the use of anti-depressants, I wanted to repost this blog written earlier this week. Although it does not directly relate to anti-depressants, I think it is a part of the overall picture of putting things in order in our lives...Our hearts, souls, minds and bodies all work together...if one part gets out of whack, the others will soon follow. Healthy souls lead to healthier minds and bodies...healthy bodies lead to healthier souls and minds...healthy minds lead to healthier souls and bodies. Obviously sometimes things happen in the body over which the mind, soul and spirit of the person have no control. But when our heart and soul are in a right relationship with God, the way we respond and act to the diseases of the body will be much healthier and more beneficial to our ultimate healing.  Just something to ponder...

Luke 12:29  "And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind."

I think I'll stop right there for a moment and ponder that thought...especially the last part, "nor have an anxious mind." 

How often throughout each day do I have an anxious mind?  Not only do I worry about what I should eat, or what I should drink, or what I should wear, or what I should do next, or whether or not I should buy this or pay that bill...but I also worry about what to say at the appropriate time, to whom I should speak or write or call on the phone or send an email.   And these are mostly trivial concerns...not the really big problems that I ought to address...and I probably spend more time thinking about these minor issues than I do about the major ones.  However, the past couple of weeks have been a kind of wake-up call for me and for others that I know and love...

In addition to the already long list of loved ones who are currently fighting serious illness; i.e.; my 37 year old son Matthew who is undergoing chemo for an aggressive rare cancer and my 92 year old father who is also being treated for a rare type of skin cancer/melanoma, we have now added our cousin's husband Paul, who will be having surgery in a week for colon cancer and further treatment for liver cancer, and most recently my precious facebook friend Cyndi, who has just been diagnosed with a brain tumor. 

I recently mentioned Cyndi in my blog about my grandmother...she is the creator of the beautiful baby doll, "Elva",  given to me as a gift of love.  Cyndi is a unique and vibrant person...full of the love of life, her family, and God.  She has suffered some very painful hurts and losses in her life already, and yet impresses me as a person who has not

allowed difficult circumstances to weigh her down or hold her back from reaching out and helping others.  Instead, she has been shaped and molded by those circumstances and has forged ahead to restore broken relationships and has inspired others to do the same. 

Pres. George W. Bush, signing the Unborn Victims of
Crime Act, April 1, 2004. Cyndi is the 2nd person from
the right end.

Cyndi was instrumental in the creation of the "Unborn Victims of Crime Act", which was signed into law by President George W. Bush on April 1, 2004. http://youtu.be/09XX3Sp7UTQ Her pilgrimage into this arena was triggered by the horrifying murder of her beautiful daughter Heather and unborn child Jonah by Heather's estranged husband.  And even though her desire to see justice done on behalf of the unborn led her in this journey, she has also come to a place of forgiveness in her heart toward the young man who is imprisoned because of his actions against her family and prays fervently for his salvation.  She has also established a facebook site, "Jonah Speaks", as a forum to help spread awareness about domestic violence.  http://youtu.be/aA-pweZeOKc

Even though I have never had the privilege of meeting Cyndi face to face in person, I feel like I know her almost better than some of my closest friends.  Why? I believe it's a spiritual bonding that took place when something within each of us reached out to the other...a kind of understanding that I can only explain as a "God-thing"...a supernatural gift from the Holy Spirit.  I'm not trying to be mystical or  "somewhere out there"... and perhaps only those who have had such experiences can begin to comprehend what I am talking about...but let me just suffice it to say that I am extremely grateful for our friendship...and whether or not we ever have the opportunity to meet here on this earth face to face...I know we will meet one day in that land of eternal friendships...and we won't have to communicate via "facebook" anymore.

Yes, this story has helped me to think about things a bit differently...and not have such an "anxious mind." Rather, I should read the rest of this passage in Luke chapter 12: 

"But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you.  Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.  Sell what you have and give alms; provide yourselves money bags which do not grow old, a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches nor moth destroys.  For where you treasure is, there your heart will be also."  Luke 12: 31-34

I know I've asked this question before:   About what types of things are you most anxious? Think about where your heart is...is it set upon earthly treasures which can be stolen or destroyed?  If so, then your heart can be broken and destroyed as well.  How about investing your heart in treasures that have eternal value...then you really won't be too concerned about the activity of the stock market or other kinds of thieves taking away your treasures. You'll be assured of reaping the rewards of your treasures eternally. I like that kind of investment much more.

"Baby Elva and Me"