Conversations With God

Today has been a day that I hoped would never come. This morning our son, who has been battling cancer for four years, received the news from his doctor that we prayed he would never have to hear.  After several days in the hospital, and four years of fighting with every treatment plan available for this particular rare disease, (DSRCT) the oncologist told my son that they have done everything possible for him.  There is no other reasonable treatment option left that they could recommend.  And with that being said, he told him that under the present circumstances he could only expect to live another three or four months at the most.

So I've been having some "conversations with God" today.  Not just prayers, although there have been plenty of them going up.  No, these are conversations, only perhaps more like monologues, since I haven't heard God's response audibly.  That doesn't mean He isn't listening or responding.  I know He is doing both. His response is in subtle ways within my heart and soul. I know He hears me, and I know He cares.  But I'm still asking the questions and telling God what's on my heart.

I've been reminding God all day about all the ways He has already rescued our son from serious illnesses and accidents. Click Here for those stories.

I've even had the audacity to ask Him just what does He expect to accomplish by allowing our son to die at the age of 41, when he has a wife and a 14 year old son to raise?

 I want to know how God will be glorified through the death of our son.  With all due respect to God, I am the mother of this wonderful son, and I think I deserve an answer.

Even David the King had feelings like this:

I cried out to You, O Lord;

and to the Lord I made supplication:

"What profit is there in my blood,

When I go down to the pit?

Will the dust praise You?

Will it declare Your truth?

Hear, O Lord, and have mercy on me;

Lord, be my helper!"

(Psalm 30:8-10)

I'm not complaining or demanding...just asking.  I'm not angry with God...but I want to understand His plan. I feel a little bit like Mary, the mother of Jesus...pondering all these things in my heart. (Luke 2:19)  Not that I am comparing my son to Jesus, but I'm comparing myself to Mary, a mother, who loved her Son, and didn't fully comprehend all the things that happened to Him.

Click here for previous post from last fall on this topic

Is it wrong to question God? I don't believe so.  I think He understands.  I KNOW He understands.

"The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,

And His ears are open to their cry."

Psalm 34:15

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears,

and delivers them out of all their troubles.

The Lord is near to those who

have a broken heart,

and saves such as have a 

contrite spirit."

Psalm 34:17-18

"Sing praise to the Lord,

you saints of His,

and give thanks at the

remembrance of His holy name.

For His anger is but for a moment,

His favor is for life;

Weeping may endure for a night,

But Joy comes in the morning."

Psalm 30:4-5

I know we have some difficult days ahead of us.  There will be weeping...but I also know that the day will come when we will have joy again.

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;

You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,

To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.

O Lord my God,

I will give thanks to You forever."

Psalm 30:11-12

"But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord;

I say, "You are my God."

My times are in Your hand..."

Psalm 31:14-15a

"Be of good courage,

and He shall strengthen your heart,

All you who hope in the Lord."

Psalm 31:24

"Hear my cry, O God;

Attend to my prayer.

From the end of the earth I will cry to You,

When my heart is overwhelmed;

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I."

Psalm 61:1-2

Amen.

The conversations are not over, I am certain.  But I have comfort and peace within my heart tonight. 

"God has spoken once,

Twice I have heard this;

That power belongs to God.

Also to You, O Lord, belongs mercy..."

Psalm 62:11-12