What Do You See Outside YOUR Open Window Today?

What Do You See Outside YOUR Open Window Today?
Remember: "When God closes a door, He always opens a window!" You never know what might be out there waiting for you!

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Random Thoughts from a Grieving Heart

I feel like I need to write something. Normally the first weekend of the month is our "Random Journal Day", but for various reasons that has been postponed for this week.  So I feel like being rather "random" myself.  Nothing in particular on my mind, and then again, there are a few things.

Our grandson Noah on his 14th birthday last October, 2013

This time last year we were in Maine, celebrating our Grandson Noah's 14th birthday.  We have traditionally celebrated his birthday together almost every year of his life, with only a couple of exceptions.  We had a wonderful time with our family last year.  At the time we truly did not know that things would be so different this year.
Our visit with Noah, Matthew and Nicole last fall, 2013

But as I am sure most of my frequent readers know, our son Matthew, Noah's father, finally lost his four year battle with cancer in May of this year. So this is one of those exceptions to the norm. We, for various reasons, were not able to make our annual trip (from Florida) back up to Maine this fall to celebrate with Noah.  Tomorrow is his 15th birthday, and we aren't there.  

I guess I am feeling rather guilty about that now, wishing that we had gone ahead and tried a little harder to make it happen. However, what is done is done. Can't change it now. I am praying that my grandson understands.  I believe he does, as much as any 15 year old boy who has recently lost his daddy can understand things. Certainly we have not forgotten him. We sent him gifts, and we will call tomorrow and sing Happy Birthday to him. But I know it isn't the same.

How can anything ever be the same again? We have all been trying to work through this great loss in various ways. We keep busy. We do little things in memory of our son. We try to keep his name and face before us in as many ways as possible without becoming morbid. We remember the happy times together, the carefree silly days of his childhood and youth.  We laugh a lot. I cry a lot in private. Little things will trigger the tears and the great lump in my throat that can't quite swallow the sorrow of my thoughts.

They say it gets better with time. I'm sure it does. It has. One of my greatest fears is that time will dull our memories too much so that we can't see his face or hear his voice in our minds anymore. I don't want that to happen. I want to remember the sound of his voice and the way he'd say "I love you Ma, I love you Pa"...and the way he'd tell us on the phone in our daily phone calls that he was "Number Two"...(our second of three sons...who always called himself "Number Two").  I want to look at his silly faces in the multitude of pictures we have of him from babyhood through his last days with us on earth. Matthew had a way with making funny faces about most everything. He was just plain funny sometimes. I love remembering him that way.
Our son Matthew, as we sang happy birthday to him on his last birthday
with us, February 25, 2014

So these are some of my random thoughts tonight on this, the eve of our grandson's birthday. I'm feeling sad that we aren't there to help him celebrate, but more than that, I'm feeling sad that his daddy isn't there to help him celebrate. No one or nothing can fill that empty place.

I pray for Noah tonight. I pray that he will feel the presence of the Lord in his life, comforting him and filling that void like nothing else could do.  I pray that he will have sweet memories of his dad and all the wonderful things they did together. They were best buds for all of their days together. I pray that he will be strong in the Lord, and that he will continue to grow and mature into the fine young man that God intends him to be, and who would make his daddy very proud. 
Noah and Matt on the great Moose Hunt, 2011 Click on this
caption for the full story
Nicole, Matt, and Noah on their last vacation together, Feb. 2014

Matthew baptizing Noah
Noah and Matt at Tae Kwon Do together
Noah and Matt in their woods behind their house

Cancer Sucks...Yes it does.

Matthew showing Noah how to shave Click on
this for a story about the Shaving Lesson
After the shaving lesson is over.
I hate to end this on such a negative note. But the truth is, Cancer DOES suck, pardon the expression. It robs a teen-age boy of his Daddy way too soon.
It robs a wife of her hubby of 21 years way too soon.
It robs a Mother and Dad of their "number Two" son way too soon.
It robs brothers number 1 and 3 of their brother way too soon.

(Grandpa) Dad, # 1 son, #1 Grandson Noah, # 2 son, #3 son

Our family together for the last time, Feb., 2014

It robs all the extended family of someone really precious

Yes, I guess I had a few things on my mind. Sorry to pour all this on you tonight. I just don't want to let our son's memory fade. And I don't want our grandson to forget where he came from and the strong heritage he has from his father.  

The wonderful truth is this is not the end.  

Jesus told His disciples before He left this world for heaven the following, which is a promise for us as well:

"Let not your heart be troubled;
you believe in God, believe also in Me.
In My Father's house are many mansions;
if it were not so, I would have told you.
I go to prepare a place for you.
And if I go and prepare a place for you,
I WILL come again and receive you to Myself;
that where I am, there you may be also."
John 14:1-3

This is the heritage our grandson has...faith in Christ, taught to him at an early age by his father and mother, and claimed as his own faith as a young child.  I pray that he will not forget this priceless gift.  Proverbs 22:6 tells us that if we:

"Train up a child in the way he should go,"
then "when he is old he will not depart from it."

That is my prayer tonight for my grandson Noah...that as he matures and grows up, that he will remember the teaching of his father, and that he will never depart from that great faith.  His father had a very strong faith even in the face of such a horrid disease. He never lost his love for his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I know he is safe in the arms of Christ tonight. I know that we will see him again some day, so I comfort myself with that great hope.

So now we must continue on with the living. We must persevere in the face of grief, and be strong in the Lord for those who are still finding their way in this life.  I pray that God will give me the strength to do just that.  I hope that next year will find us celebrating our grandson's birthday together and not so many miles apart. Goodness! He will be turning sixteen next year...and possibly driving! Now that's  something to look forward to! (yikes!)

Thank you for listening to my random thoughts. I guess they weren't really so random after all. 

Hug your children and grandchildren. Make every day count. 

That's all folks. Good Night.


  1. Your faith is strong and God will be nearby and help you through these times, Pamela! Bless you and celebrate Norah even though you aren't with in person on his birthday.

    1. Thank you Sylvia. God IS here with us, always present, always comforting, always sending aid in the nick of time. Thank you for being one of those gifts today.

  2. Aw...Pam, I am sorry we did not have our usual gathering, but I am grateful that you decided to post and share your heart "in time" her in this corner of the blogosphere. Yes, your faith is strong, but that doesn't make grieving a journey you can fast forward through. There are comforts, but the sting...well you know it's temporary. And Matthew's place secure. ANd Noah's legacy from you, Matthew, your hub, the whole family of love surrounding him? That;s a gift with no end. I wish I could hug you, but know my heart stirs for you in this season. God Himself is faithful, and will walk you through this valley. LOve you.

    1. Thank you Dawn, for being a shining light in the darkness always. You are such a bright spot in our "corner of the blogosphere". I so appreciate you. Yes, I feel your hugs today. Thank you for being here.

  3. Pam: The experts can't tell us how long a person will be in the steps of the grief process nor in what order a person will go through them. We had some friends whose son took his life last week. I know this man's family through several different ways. A cousin of this family is one of my closest friends. We have to stay close to God and let Him minister to us.

    1. I totally understand this. Grief is something deep and personal for each person. No one can explain or dictate what it will be for themselves or someone else. In the case of your friends whose son took his own life...I can only pray for them to find peace somehow in the Lord. What a terrible tragedy. My heart goes out to them. May the Lord be their constant source of comfort. Thank you for your words.

  4. Hi Pam! Thank you for sharing your heart with us. How can anyone hold back their sorrow for any length of time? It's hard to move on and you sure can't pretend that it doesn't hurt. I'm so sorry you can't be there on Noah's birthday. Maybe it's God's plan. Maybe he needs to have an intimate birthday with his mom.

    May God hear your prayers for your grandson. I know he will, they are honorable and holy ones. Noah's love for you will never be less because you couldn't come to his birthday, he knows you love him. It's just hard for you not to be there.
    You remain in my prayers for healing and peace. Not that you would ever forget, but that you would remember without pain.
    Blessings and hugs,

    1. Thank you Ceil. As a matter of fact, we spoke to Noah last night on his birthday and sang Happy Birthday to him and then he told us all about the things he had been doing to celebrate his birthday with friends and family there, and he sounded truly happy and grateful for the gift we sent him as well as phone call. He's a remarkable young man and I have the utmost love and respect and hope for him and his future. God is truly with him. Thank you for writing. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

  5. Such a lovely poignant post Pam. You will not forget him, you and your beautiful family love one another so well and so richly that you are carrying him with you into everything you do and everything you write.

    1. Thank you Susie! I know I could never forget my son, but it is so hard to not hear his voice and see his smiling face. But I am comforted in knowing he is free from pain and suffering and is eternally happy. And Noah is doing fine. See my response above to Ceil regarding our phone call with him last night. I feel reassured and comforted that he is going to be just fine. God is good. Now, you go enjoy your brand new grandbaby!!!! That's an order! :) xoxo

  6. I tried to comment yesterday, but it didn't work--or so I thought--so I'll comment again! I had been thinking about you and John , knowing how hard it was going to be for you not to be there, but also knowing that it might be hard for you to be there this year for the first time without Matt being there. I prayed for God's comfort for you. I'm so glad you had such a good conversation with Noah and you can feel comfort in knowing that he had such a good day and he will be just fine! I love you Sis!


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